I Surrender All

***I'm pretty sure the slide show goes into an advertisement almost immediately. For my moms, when the full ad comes on, click the top right "X" and the slideshow will continue to play the rest of the pictures***

It's getting late now, and though I definitely need the sleep tonight, I also feel the need to write. If everything this week had gone according to MY plans, I would be sitting here typing about our fun trip to San Antonio Sea World with Chris' parents and sister. While it was a fun time, for me, it was overshadowed and cut a bit short when an unfortunate turn of events took place regarding my chihuahua, Ollie.

Long story short, just after dropping the dogs off at the kennel, Ollie escaped into the wooded area near the kennel. Three days of searching for him turned up nothing. While I was looking for him very early on Friday morning, Animal Control showed up and confirmed that Ollie had been hit by a car late on Thursday night.

This certainly was not the ending I had hoped for. Joining together in prayer with some of my girls, I just knew Ollie would show up and we would rejoice in God's goodness and power. How I prayed to Him, "Not unto us, but to Your name, bring glory! You parted the Sea, You walked on water, You healed the sick and raised the dead! I KNOW you can bring Ollie back! And I will proclaim, 'This is the work of my Jesus!'" What a testimony of God's power it would be to all who joined in the search for Ollie!

God had plans for a different type of testimony. A testimony not of His obvious miracle, but of His grace that meets us in whatever trial comes our way; a testimony of forgiveness extended toward those who are responsible for this loss; a testimony of His "peace which surpasses all understanding" (Phil. 4:7).

For those who don't know, I got Ollie as an intentional step toward healing when I was carrying our second baby to be lost. Ollie was something to focus on beside the grief of not being able to carry another child. I believe with all my heart that God had this particular dog saved for me for this time in my life--everything from his devotion, demeanor, even the "angel" on his chest seemed to be a perfect gift from the Lord.

Now that Ollie is no longer here, does it change my belief that God picked him just for me? Absolutely not.

Am I angry toward God about what happened? I don't think I have ever screamed so hard at Him in all my life. While we were searching for Ollie, I sat in the car in sheer frustration, screaming to Him, asking why He wouldn't just bring Ollie out. That brought on a whole new wave of anger that I had not dealt with--Why won't You let us have more children? Why did you take away my two babies? Why are You doing this to me???

Am I disappointed by God because Ollie died? Of course. I wanted to find him and proclaim the goodness of God in this. Does that change God's goodness? Of course not. But, as a human, I feel disappointed. I want Ollie here with me now.

In the car during my screaming session, I gave it ALL I had. I figured I was in the moment, why not get it all out? I screamed until my throat hurt, until my chest ached, until I couldn't form words in my mouth. Exhausted, I wept. Just wept. Not about the loss of a pet. Not even about the loss of babies. Just wept. Wept because God is doing a greater work in me than I even know. His Word tells me, "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared BEFOREHAND that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10). There is not a moment of my life that He did not already know I would walk through. Even this season of my life. He knew it before He knit me together in my mother's womb. As I wept, I felt Him meet me there. My screaming did not make my loving Father turn His back. He's good like that.

I know I must have looked to my Father much like Ethan looks to me during one of his meltdowns. Though Ethan screams and cries and begs, I as his mother know when the best answer for him is, "No. Not now. Maybe not ever." And though it hurts me to see him so miserably upset, especially when he doesn't understand my reasoning, I know what I'm doing and what my end goal is. As his tears cease and he collapses into my safe arms, I don't hold his screaming and protesting against him. Not a bit of me feels angry at him. My love encompasses him. I know my son felt anger toward me during my denial, but it could never be enough to cast out his love for me.

Our Heavenly Father is the same way. The cool thing about Him, though, is that He is perfect. I make decisions as a parent that are marred by my imperfection. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decision regarding Ethan. With God, I can trust that no matter what is happening, even the crummy stuff, and especially the stuff I don't understand, "His way is perfect" (II Samuel 22:31). I looked up the word "perfect" in its original context. It means "complete". Whatever God is doing right now, it is part of His complete work. Though I don't "get it" now, someday His work will be complete in me. He is working this season of life into His complete and perfect work, not only for me personally, but also for those who touch my life.

Again, this post is not so much about the loss of my pet. While it is the catalyst for my introspection, this post is really about trials. I read somewhere that "a trial is a trial. Mine is no different than yours." Basically, we all have our battles. Mine happens to be an unfulfilled desire for more children and, now, the loss of Ollie. Everyday I hear about the trials of my friends, family, and people I've never met. One might ask how a loving and gracious God could let such disasters happen. I am reminded that we live in an imperfect world, given over to sin. Our hope is not about how good life can be on earth. Our hope is in the return of Jesus and our reunion with Him in Heaven. How glorious it will be to sing worship to Him and see for the first time how every circumstance in a Christ-believers life was all woven together into a masterpiece more beautiful than we could think or comprehend.

In light of trials, I wanted to document some absolute truths that I'm holding onto now. I know this won't be my final trial in life. God-willing, I will have a long life, and if I do, there are sure to be more opportunities for trusting in Him during hard times. Some things I've been contemplating:

Jesus said, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you WILL have tribulation; but take courage, I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). For those who walk with Christ, His peace should be a markable characteristic in our trials. His peace is ever present, but HIS WORDS are so important. They are the source of our hope, and as Jesus says, our peace.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?....Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us...

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:35-39). Even when I feel like I can't see God in my trial, HE IS THERE. There is nothing, nothing...no pain, no sadness, no longing, no anger, no disappointment...that cannot touch me without having permission from my God who LOVES me and only has the best intentions for His glory in the end. When I can't see Him, I walk by faith that He is who He says He is, and when I place that faith in Him, His presence washes over me. In the midst of my sadness, His calm is there. His gentleness speaks to me. He is real. I cannot explain the very REAL presence of the living God, but it is a heavy, lifting calm that drives out fear and releases hope.

I have been singing, "I Surrender All" a lot the past two days. This song was the theme song of our wedding vows, but it has quickly become the theme song of my life. It reminds me that no matter what I've been given, it is not mine to hold onto. Every physical thing I have is HIS. Every desire I have is HIS. Every hurt I feel is HIS. When I hold these things to myself, I am weighed down by them. They do not propel me, uplift me, make me useful in any way. When I surrender all that I have and all that I am to Jesus, the One who knows all and loves me, then He can use it as a tool in my life to be a blessing to others.

Letting go is the hardest thing to do. I want to hold onto the things I love. I even want to hold onto the hurt I feel. It gives me a false sense of security when I am the one "in control". That is such a lie from the deceiver. This song reminds me that I can trust the One who gave His life for mine, and true freedom comes from true surrender.

Typing all this out has brought a sense of closure for this week. I know I will still miss Ollie, but I am choosing to surrender even this to Him, my blessed Saviour.

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live

I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

Ethan's Chopsticks

Ethan always desires to use chopsticks when Chris and I are using ours for dinner...I found him these today! They are spring-loaded, like a clothespin, and we got his favorite color, green!

The Stuff of Nightmares

Ethan commenting on his vegetable soup for dinner:

"This looks and smells like a nightmare!"

This may be my official plea for intervention from Lizze, the Master Chef.

Godliness with contentment is great gain. 1 Tim 6:6

A common Ethan phrase is, "I wish we could have that!" Off the top of my head, his list includes, but certainly is not limited to:

A lawnmower

A weed whacker

A sun roof

A trampoline

A hose sprinkler that sways back and forth

A Starbucks espresso machine

A red car

A green car

An EXIT sign in our garage

A urinal

Dear Lord Jesus, please help me to have a heart of contentment and gratitude, that I would set an example for our son. Help me to teach Ethan that our sufficiency is in You, and that we are blessed beyond measure with what You have given us. Thank you for all You provide for us. Thank you for all You withhold from us. Help me to be aware of my attitude toward things that I want and the message it sends to Ethan.

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5

Three Year Old Sees Angels!!

Tonight's Bible story was about the angel who delivered the message to Mary:

Me: "Look at that angel! Mary has never seen an angel before. Have you seen an angel?"

Ethan: "Yeees."

Me: "You have!? Where?"

Ethan: "At the baseball game." (<---- link)

Running free

Who of us still doesn't remember running barefoot on the hot pavement or running through the sprinklers to get cooled off?

Who needs Pepper Spray, when you could have this:

This might be the flashlight I need to have for my evening walks, trip to the mailbox, take out the garbage.... just in case there's trouble....

It could've been an early night...

Ethan and Jace played out in the sun and water most of the afternoon, so I know he would have gone right to sleep around 8:00, but I found myself torn between wanting a long evening to relax by myself or letting Ethan enjoy the nice evening outside with his Play-doh. I guess I couldn't resist his offer of blue macaroni and cheese. It was worth it. Beside, he still got to bed at a decent hour (9:15), and I still got an evening to myself (it's a little after 11:00).

The videos are a little long and uneventful; they are mostly posted for the grandparents :)

The Little Things

There are big, huge things to be thankful for daily...shelter, provision, Salvation, God's grace, family....but today, the little things stuck out to me. Today, I am thankful for

The cool morning

The family trip to the Snow Cone cart on the side of the road

Chris and Ethan having guy time at Home Depot

Quiet time to read my Bible

A girl I've never met before named Angie, who encourages me through her honesty and relationship with Jesus

Quick customer service and replacement lids for my favorite cute coffee thermos

The older kids at the park who made Ethan laugh a ton by including him in their game of tag

Chris folding the laundry AND putting it away

Ollie following me from room to room

Ethan's brave spirit to try new things, even the things that make my heart leap to my throat

The Apostle Paul and his example of rejoicing in difficult times

Ethan's silliness, and the way it makes us laugh

Thank you, Lord, for giving us today. You are good, and all You do is good. Thank you because You work all things together for the good of those who love You, who are called by Your name. Today, let my life be hidden in You, centered upon You, that You would receive glory.

Catching Up

Ethan has been showing a lot of interest in reading lately, asking what every sign we come across says and pointing out sight words (my personal favorite is when he loudly asks me over and over again about the sign that hangs above the tiny trashcans in the women's restroom stalls--"What's that mean? But what's if for??"). Today on our way out of school, we got a special brownie wrapped in a pretty purple foil. Ethan asked if he could eat it on the way home, but I told him he could have it after we got home. He was sitting in his car seat looking at all the words on the wrapper and he smiles and says, "Look Mommy, these words say, 'Eat. It. Now.'" (It didn't really say that). Clever little guy.



$.26 That's how much change Chris just pulled out of his truck CD player. When Ethan was about one, he decided to deposit some change in Daddy's CD player...about a week after we purchased the truck. Chris hasn't been able to play CD's, and the sound of the quarter sliding around in there on corner turns drove him crazy. When we pulled in tonight, Chris starting tinkering with the radio and managed to pull it apart. He just brought me the quarter and the penny that have been plaguing him for two years. Here's hoping he can get it all put together again. He just said something. It was either, "I'm really close" or "I'm really screwed". I hope it's the first.


We went to Pappadeux for dinner tonight, and while waiting, Ethan was entertaining himself with a magnetic necklace of mine:

Can you guess what he was pretending? He draped it around his neck, then "snapped" each of the magnets together, making sure each piece was inline. "This is my firefighter jacket." This kid. Seriously. Here he is after he fell asleep on the way home with his "Firefighter Jacket" all buttoned up:

Take note of the unfastened seatbelt. On our way out to run an errand this afternoon, Chris and I were in the front of the car and Ethan was in his seat. About five minutes after we left, Ethan started to laugh...."Hey, my seatbelt is not on!" Oh my. Heart-attack moment. We were already on the main road near an intersection. I gave praise to God for keeping us safe, and whipped around to buckle him up. Only one of the three of us thought it was funny.




Ethan had his second dentist appointment yesterday. What a big, brave boy! He walked back all by himself, and all smiles. Chris and I secretly spied on him from the lobby. He was PERFECT. The dentist even commented that they were pointing him out to other patients as an example. After his check-up, he picked out a Sticky Hand, a Batman sticker, and asked the dentist for two orange gloves.
After the dentist, Chris and Ethan accompanied me to my appointment of the womanly type. They were the only non-females in the office, and I quietly said to them, "I'm glad to be here with my two boys." Ethan blurts out, "We are boys because we have a penis!" Chris and I were so surprised and made the mistake of letting a laugh out. Of course, Ethan had to say it LOUDER. Nice touch.

This will officially end the longest post ever.

Run

Chris: 7:51
Michelle: 8:28
Ethan: Asleep on the grass :) He fell asleep on the way home from the driving range. Man, I wish I had my camera. He's getting good, and he's stinkin' cute! I think it must help my time to not have to moderate him. We even got a tiny bit of a bonus workout, until I tried to do a set of abs where Chris throws my legs. I think I ripped an ovary. That's what it felt like, at least.

The ONLY thing I really like in this whole running deal is the adorable flushed face Chris gets after he runs. Smooches on my sweaty man!

I hope this blog isn't reduced to lame videos, but...

Pinky. Pinky, whoa.

Ellen with her Hawaii Chair

What in the world?

This is hilarious! I can't believe they actually make and sell these. This may be the first Infomercial item I have NOT been interested in purchasing :)

For the Record

For the record, it is 11:45 a.m., and our son is still asleep.

Just so no one is worried that he is really laying in bed deceased, here's the story:

We got home late last night from the Ranger's game (4-o against Oakland, and hopefully pics to come later today).

We had a "special slumber party" since Ethan did not fall asleep on the way home, even though I had finally remembered to pack his jammies and toothbrush in the car so he would be all ready for bed when we carried him in asleep when we got home. Instead, we just all jumped in bed together.

He did wake up at about 9:00, drank some milk in bed, cuddled, and talked with me for a little while...then fell back asleep about 15 minutes later.

He is snoring loudly.

Chris just went in the bedroom, and he awoke and spoke, then fell back asleep again.

I can't believe I'm actually bored waiting for Ethan to wake up at a quarter 'til NOON! Sleeping in late is definitely a trait he inherited from his Daddy, whose favorite family activity is a "family nap".

The End of an Era

Little Red Car, suped up with your fancy wheels and reflectors, you served us well. I remember the day we shopped all over every hardware store in search of the perfect wheels to fit you. We finally found them at a lawnmower and tractor store. They cost more than you did when we bought you brand new! But only the best for you, Little Red Car.

Even though you have been abandoned in the corner for the longest time collecting leaves and spider webs, every time I saw you, I felt appreciation for you. We put hundreds of miles on you. You never complained. You always pushed through. Even when your blue handle started coming off, you still gave your very best effort to make it safely up the curbs.

Now, the sun has set on our relationship. Ethan's knees knock up against your steering wheel, and I'm not sure your handle could take one more trip up and down the curbs on Oakmont Drive. You will always be a special memory for us. You were the best gift we got for Ethan's First Birthday. That long and stressful time at Toys R Us trying to decide if you were worth the price or not was, to the fullest, worth it. I love you, Little Red Car. I hope you enjoy your new home at the Lewisville Dump.

Second Run

Chris: 8:16
Michelle: 8:51

Getting better. Must be that Phoebe style.

Random

This is how my angel sleeps...hands tucked symmetrically below his soft cheek....

Unless he's sleeping like this:

My cutiepie Ollie

Ever since Ethan was itty-bitty, he has done the same dance during the beginning of "Friends". Doesn't matter what he's in the middle of doing or if it's late at night (irresponsible parenting nights), he will jump up and do this "buck-a-roo-spinning" dance.

Congratulations

To Lisa and Doug on their engagement!

Chris' sister, Lisa, got engaged yesterday. We are so excited for her and Doug!

Good use of fingers

Ethan was pretending to cut my fingers off with his jig saw:

"You're never gonna push a button on an elevator now!"

Anyone who has been on a trip with Ethan which involved hotels would know that "Elevator Button Pushing" is one of the most important uses of the pointer finger.

I just thought it was funny that this was his foremost thought on finger cutting. His second thought was this:

"That's OK. You can buy a new one."

Anyone have a coupon for one of those?

Phoebe Running Style

This is how Chris describes my running style...

And this is why he is so disgusted that his time was only a tiny bit better than mine.

Chris should try it. He may like it!

First Ever Collins Family Run

This is quite astonishing for at least a few reasons:

1. While I enjoy exercising, running is my absolute least favorite form of exercise. It hurts my knees and, in my opinion, is boring.

2. Any form of exercise is Chris' least favorite form of exercise.

3. While Ethan enjoys running, his attention span is about as big as, well, a three-year-old's.

However, Chris and I had been at odds about how long it would take us to run a mile. I thought surely it would take more than 10 minutes. Chris thought surely it would take about 7 minutes tops (he was a near-professional runner in high school. OK, maybe not professional, but really good).

We decided to settle the debate today on the Guyer High School track, which, by the way, is REALLY NICE! Here are the results:

Chris: 8:51
Me: 9:06
Ethan: "A" for Effort....he looked so dang cute running that track. Not so cute screaming, "HEY! STOP!! MY LEGGIES ARE SO TIRED! STOOO-OOOP!!" I am SURE I could have gained at least ten seconds if I wasn't yelling back, "JUST TWO MORE LAPS! JUST SIT DOWN! WAIT FOR US RIGHT THERE!" All that yelling takes a lot of lung capacity!

I was pleasantly surprised at my result. Chris was a little disgusted with his, esp. since he was only about 15 seconds ahead of the "Spastic Runner". I'm hoping Chris will agree to a re-match. And by "re-match", I mean "weekly duel"... ... ... Not that I enjoy the running part, but I am proud of Chris for getting some exercise and so it's worth it to me.

How does your garden grow....

Ours grows lover-ly! If only it will make it to harvest....Ethan and I LOVE to pick and taste the growing onions, radishes, spinach, and cabbage...hopefully it won't be depleted by the time everything is ready!

Shorn!

We can't tell if Ranger feels pretty or if she feels embarrassed!
(OK. She feels pretty; we feel embarrassed!)

Ranger's First Shave
We could not take one more day of her winter coat shedding!
Ollie, hair standing up on his back, won't stop barking at "the new dog". My ferocious watchdog loves and makes such a valiant effort to protect me. Too bad he's not so sharp. And, in true life, runs and hides in the closet when any stranger is around. or Chris.
After she was shaved, we found a HUGE cyst on her neck and had to take her to get it drained. eww! (in secret, we thought the draining was kind of cool)
Ethan asked us why she was so "dirty"....

I *heart* Picnik.com

www.picnik.com

What a fun website!!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13